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These days a sudden kind of self discontentment is settling in. The feeling of good for nothing is seeping in slowly slowly. Why so, may be I am living in more of a comfort zone not suitable to my age and persona. Being a SAHM (stay at home mother) I am unable to do justice to myself and my kid. Question arises why? The reasons which are peeping in my mind are not so big ones yet not so small to be ignored.
Reason No #1 The monotonous routine through out the week. Yeah, I guess thats a big concern for me. Just getting up, preparing lunchbox for kid, getting her ready ( this part is mostly optional as already mentioned in my previous post that my kid has a choice of person to get ready with), finishing off the daily morning chores(some days include heavy cleaning of house while some days are I keep as relaxed depending on my mood to exert) , chitchat with maid and partial preparation of lunch, following with wait of the school bus. Then comes the feeding and engaging part with the kid. Afternoons just pass by in tidbits. Evening again the same routine, cook dinner, play with kid, make her do homework, and finally dinner time. I am not a foodie so don't even do experiments in the kitchen. (Frankly speaking kitchen is no less than a war zone kind of area, so I limit myself from excessive use.) So the day starts and ends with nothing pretty exciting to do. Some days or weeks pass by when I don't even step out of the house. Nowadays thanks to the dance classes for kid, that atleast I pick and drop her thus kicking my butt out of the house every alternate day. But again just pick and drop, and nothing in between to do or explore.
See even reading this stuff sounds boring, that's how I feel I have become 'boring'. I swear, there are days when I don't even feel like to get ready and out of my pajamas to something presentable. Such a lazy lass I have become. Does it means I am real lazy? I don't know, don't have a clear understanding of it. It is not like I am short of time on hands, but where to utilise this time is a big question mark.
Suggestions may vary from join a dance class, hobby class, explore city, make friends, etc etc.
Now for dance class, I love salsa, but won't be able to join ( reasons not disclosed here)
Hobby class, don't know which hobby I really have now. Baking, photography, blogging.....Baking i tried my hands on and its done ( Avoid Kitchen zone). Photography, just sitting in house is not going to get me new subjects and themes everyday. And the moment I pick my DSLR, my kid wherever she is in the house will sense it and the next moment I would be allowing her to click the pictures. And as per my nature, my introvert persona stops me from getting out in public and click in between those following pairs of eyes. The next suggestion could be joining a institute or classes, frankly speaking travelling ( from ghaziabad to noida/delhi/gurugram) is not my cup of tea. So finally I end up in my boring comfort area.
Some solace I do find in blogging , and meeting few moms whom I have made friends with.
Seriously I so love the apartment culture where you can see n number of people daily and can even get in small conversations with them. Some of them can convert into great friendships too.
I just see no point in living in huge independent houses ( read Kothis in NCR slang) where all people are worried about is maintaining their status, and home instead of meeting people and mingling with them. No one even wants to know the neighbours, if known it will be just a kind of hi/hello/namaste followed with Diwali sweets exchanging short visits and marriage invitations. I am just so sick of this environment. I know I crib a lot, but this cribbing is because I am not getting the solution to this problem. No one is near by with whom you can even share a smile, forget about having a conversation. Don't know what keeps people so occupied and busy in themselves.
Reason No #2
The second reason is my kid. Yeah its true, I am just surprised and disturbed with the activities of my kid. All she wants is to get her wishes fulfilled , if said NO, she runs to her grandparents and will spend her full day with them. She is not at all bothered if I exist . Only she will react is when I will go out. Her only reasons for approaching me are TV, Mobile,tablet, chocolates,kinder joy,. The moment I deny she just walks away from me. With her grandparents she is free to watch all things whole day. Its just frustrating for me to watch her showing me her back. All I do is feel useless, I am so irritated that even I forget to play with her. All I do is scold her and manner her, make her do her homework, try to make her follow a routine. Sometimes I doubt myself if I am really being a good parent to her, but giving up to her demands just doesn't feel right to me. Atleast she knows someone can deny her instead of pampering over all her naughtiness. But in between all this, sometimes it really makes me to think if I am really fit for motherhood. Phew can say my insecurities about spoiling my child are just making my life hell. And I find no way to get out of this misery of my mommyhood.
Some may feel how lucky I am to get time free from kid, but imagine the situation where as a mom, I am waiting for my kid to just come to me and listen to me, talk to me, and all I end up doing is just endless waiting. What use of this free time which is spent only in thinking of the ways to deal with kid. All this irritation and frustration has caused me to be over aggressive, and I am more of like Angry Bird every time kid demands anything to me. I am wondering where all the love, and affection vanishes when I am dealing with her. I just forget that she is the kid and I am the adult. Both of us get struck to our demands and result is I am abandoned. Sigh :(
Sometimes I just feel to stop being a SAHM and search for job. But again my mommy mind takes over me and I just sit here doing nothing other than worrying and getting irked. I don't say that I am not liking to be at home , but feeling the current scenarios I am facing all I can do is question myself for my decisions.Its like neither I am satisfied at home, nor I am open to go out and work.What I am doing as a mother when my kid is not even looking back once to stay with me is just making me restless every moment.Instead now she has gotten into the habit of talking back to all.
Worries are taking their pace to settle in my mommy mind. Sometimes its really hard to justify myself if I am fulfilling my duties towards my kid or am I just going with the flow. I just need some break, and really someone experienced to talk to who can understand my concern.
Reason No #3
In today's competitive world, its kind of rat race going in the corporate world. People don't have time for families. They leave at fix time from home to office but time to get back to home is never fixed. All I wait is to get a phone call of getting late by Mr. Hubby.
So you see, I have ample time in my hands courtesy Mr Hubby and Kid, but all this time is spent in sulking and irking. Can't blame anyone, as I know how the corporate world works.
So its like currently I am in total disaster mode, and need to start working on it. Really need some experienced one to get good advice to come out of this misery.
